Forward Looking Thoughts (April 2011)

“A child, more than all other gifts that earth can offer to declining man, brings hope with it, and forward looking thoughts.”

So says Wordsworth and so echoes my heart these days. The second birthday of our twins has come and gone. I am amazed at how the time of year brings everything rushing back in full force. The grief and pain feel fresh all over again, as if we just lost them yesterday. It reminds me that I miss them. Of course I miss them all the time, but to feel the pain of their absence is a reminder of all we have lost. I am grateful for this grief because it the only way I can honor and love the babies I have lost. Loving them means grief. Grief is the price I pay for loving.

And that was all I knew of a mother’s love – grief and sorrow and emptiness. But now I have Judah to teach me that sometimes love means happiness and fulfillment and sweet peace. And love means worry and sleeplessness and frustration. And love, though sometimes can bring despair, can also bring hope – hope for myself and hope for a 3 month old baby who has his whole life before him.

I suppose it makes sense that since we are made in the image of a God who loves eternally and vastly the love we know would also bring many and varied experiences into the depths of a human heart. I never felt I had the choice to grieve over my babies. That is the price that my love pays. But I am grateful to make room in my heart for a love that brings hope and pleasure and forward looking thoughts.

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