Today was hard. Not hard in the “I-hate-my-life” sense but hard in the “when-is-it-bedtime?” sense. Josh was out the door before anyone was up this morning and then home for about 30 minutes for a quick dinner before heading off to a meeting. Baby is not taking good naps so more time holding her and she’s grumpy because she’s not rested. Judah…well, more about him later. Spring will.not.come.ever. And there is so much to distract even though it’s Holy Week and supposedly this week of all the year is when I’m supposed to be thankfully occupying my mind entirely with remembering all that has been done for me.
Why is it that the discipline of the mind is the hardest thing? What is it about the mind that somehow manages to be anxious about more things than I could possibly give words to? I can somehow think about 10 different worrying or frustrating or depressing things all at the same time, but I can’t think about one thing – One Person – who is willing and able to give the kind of peace my little tiny brain could never even imagine possible.
Why do I sabotage myself like that? I shove off the easy yoke because, really, it just takes too much effort to pick up that cross. I run after the heavy, the burdensome, the anxiety-ridden thinking that somehow there is rest for me if I live there instead. Lies, lies, lies.
One of the things that I am working on – rather, trying to work on – is patiently giving myself to Judah minute after tiring minute during the day. He keeps up a steady stream of conversation from the second he opens his eyes until he collapses into bed in the evening. He hates to be away from me. Being left alone in his room to play (where there are all kinds of wonderful things expressly laid out for his amusement) is tantamount to torture. No matter how often I give him room time it is always a showdown. By the end of the day my mind is so tired from interacting with him I feel like there is nothing left.
Just now I went into his room to tell him to stop calling out for me after he had been put to bed. He knew I was angry, but that didn’t stop him from saying, “hand? hand?” He wants to lie in bed holding my hand for just a few more minutes. He doesn’t care that I’m frustrated or angry. He just wants me with him. It’s the fellowship he wants – it doesn’t matter what kind of a mood I’m in or even really what I say.
I wish I was like that with Jesus. I wish my mind went to Him automatically, every free second available. I wish I worked harder for the fellowship of the Spirit, which, as I know from experience, is the sweetest thing on offer. I wish that I cared more about being with Christ in my mind and in my heart than anything else. I wish I was more like my two year old son. And the difference is Jesus will never get tired of me or bored or irritated. He will always be glad for the fellowship.
Delights and Shadows 
Thank you for that precious image of the Lord–who just wants to hold our hand–and how we should be with Him like Judah is with you! May the Lord give you strength and patience on days like this!
Ugh, I needed this so badly. I didn’t really connect the fact that it is Holy Week and I SHOULD be thoughtful/joyful/contemplative with the reality of being a ragingly awful, cranky, impatient wife and mother. Seems clear now that it would be a time of temptation, though it is too easy to point the finger at the Devil while avoiding the hard look at myself and how I keep choosing to live in the anger, depression or frustration. I was just thinking the other day that I’ve only ever been with God at group events lately (church, bed time devotions) and that’s not helping anything. I’m going to keep rereading this and try to remember to ask for my hand to be held, too.
What sweetness we have in Jesus! What beautiful rest is found in him. This is lovely, Bry. Thanks for writing.
Isn’t it amazing how much our children teach us about The Lord and change us, just by being themselves? The Lord is so Good! Praise Him! I love you sweet Bryonie…Robin B.
Btw: this is the time of life when checking “your” things off the list sometimes becomes absurd. If you can,……throw the list away 🙂
Two words that I could not have made it this far into Motherhood without:
“Arrow Prayers”
Someone that I know mentioned those years ago before I had a “real” purpose for them.=}
My most regular petition, “Lord give me strength.” (Sometimes with a few tears mixed in.)
This will not be a season for hours of devoted Bible study and prayer. I like to think of it more like flying by the seat of your pants devotion. Jesus does see it even though it looks so very different from what you are accustomed. Hang in there Bry your doing a fantastic job!
Mimiswardrobe said what I had in mind. Let Judah’s desire for you serve to remind you how the Lord desires that sweet fellowship with you as well. When you hold little E imagine Jesus holding and comforting you even though you are tired and maybe cranky, Let His arms surround you and bring you rest and peace if only for a moment. Knowing that your loving Parent is always available and never too busy for you if most likely the type of security Judah is depending on for his security as well. Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.
(Isaiah 40:30-31 ESV)
I am a mom of 9 and now I have no little ones to put down for naps. In some ways I miss it but in some ways, I am content with this new season of life. It was so sweet to see that your little guy says “hand?” Lately I have been giving my 10 and 12 year old’s little hand massages at bed time while we say our prayers. They absolutely love it. Try massage with your little one, it communicates a lot of love and will fill his cup.
Friends, thank you for these comments! I am thankful for each of them and thankful for mommy fellowship. 🙂 You are all invited for peanut butter and jelly.